alixrianne: kurt hummel likes boys (Default)
[personal profile] alixrianne

I've kind of gotten to the point where I just want to say screw it and move to a cabin in the middle of no where with absolutely no contact with the outside world with the exception using the internet for fanfiction.

You'd think that a best friend of ten years would talk to you more.

You'd think that another best friend of four years (one of which she actually lived with you) would talk to you more.

You'd think that...but you'd be wrong.

I am seriously getting so tired of my "best friends" Mallory and Alexis (yes, I'm naming names here because they don't use livejournal, and even if they did, I highly doubt that they would care enough to read my journal.) only talking to me when they need something.

I've been there for them countless times over the years.

I've never given up on Alexis even though she has a habit of dropping me whenever she feels like it to get  a new best friend. That's happened four times over the years. Three out of four of those times ended rather painfully for her, but I was there to pick up the pieces because I' a good person, and for some stupid reason, I actually care about her. Silly me.

So, Alexis goes to college about four hours away from me. She promised me on the last day that we saw each other before going to our respective colleges that she would never let us grow apart. And I think that is what hurts the most about all of this. She gave me her word that she wasn't just going to forget me.

She fucking lied. Any time that we talk, I'm the one who instigates the conversation. Always. Without fail.

I text her first, I email her first, I'm the one who asks her when she'll be back in our hometown so that we can meet up on a weekend or something.

She doesn't even try. So, a while back, I decided not to talk to her at all and see how long it would take for her to contact me for once.

Guess what? She didn't. Not for months. Not until I opened up my facebook and saw that I had a message from her.

Of course I got kind of excited, thinking that she actually wanted to hang out with me. (I'm pathetic, I know. I'm completely and totally willing to just forgive her for everything immediately)

However, all she wanted to know was if she and her new best friend could use my facebook profile to look at someone's page who had blocked them both. That's it. No "hey, how are you", or "I miss you and we need to go do something this weekend" Nothing.

hey alix, kara and i were wondering if we can look at hannahs profile using your profile because she blocked us all. haha apparently shes engaged to that thirty year old guy from church  ← That's her message to me.

I honestly wish that I had been strong enough to tell her no.

Then there's Mallory. Mallory was like a sister to me. She was constantly over at my house, we shared everything, and she even moved in with me and my family when her mother kicked her out.

But then James came along.

As soon as they started dating, it was like I didn't even exist. She was one room away from me, and I never saw her except in the mornings when I drove us to school.

And so we went to separate schools, and I honestly didn't really expect to hear from her ever again. I was somewhat right. I would text her, and she would occasionally text me back, and that was about it.

However, she would come home periodically on weekends and would stop in to say hi for a few hours. Unfortunately, James, supreme douchebag of the universe would always be with her.

So lately, it had been a few months since hearing from her as well, and she texted me one day randomly. I didn't even bother to get my hopes up, and I was right not to.

"What's the username and password to the Netflix account?"

That's it.

And I really should stop complaining. If I'm so upset by them, I should talk to them or just stop caring completely.

But I can't. And it hurts every single damn time.

So basically, this past couple of weeks have been horrible. From my dog dying, to doing bad on a couple of tests, it all kind of came to a big giant ball of suck on Thursday morning when I rammed my toe into the leg of my step stool. I just sat down and cried, and not just because of the pain (it hurt like a bitch, swelled to twice it's normal size, turned purple, and I walked with a limp for four days). I was crying because I find myself just hating everything about this year.

College sucks because I get anxious and can't talk to people without stuttering or making an idiot of myself so I have no friends here. I've lost my two closest friends and the dog that I've had since about the second grade. And I just kind of want to curl up in a ball and not move for a very long time.

All I can say is that I'm very thankful for my family, and the fact that I still have three friends to hold on to.

So thank you, Jennifer, Daniel, Andi, Mom, Dad, and Kelly.

You all are awesome.

Date: 2011-03-09 04:04 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile]
Alix...*glomp* I just...GAH people suck. And February? I am convinced February was a big life sucking hole of blackness, because mine sucked too, T.T I'm so sorry everything's been so awful, :(

I just...I can't believe Alexis. I mean, you guys don't talk for months, and that's the message she sends you?? I mean...there's just no excuse for that. Or for Mallory, or...people. This is what drives me crazy about people, because you put so much faith in them, and so few of them deserve it.

I heard something once about how giving someone any measure of trust was just giving them license to fuck you over and betting on the odds that they wouldn't, with the odds stacked ridiculously against you. And the longer I live, the more I think that's true, which is sad, cause I never particularly wanted to believe it.

And the worst part is, I don't think people really think about it. I think they things and don't notice what they leave behind. At least, that's certainly how it looks/feels like when you're the one being left behind. It's not fair, and it's not right, and...and it makes you sad and bitter and frustrated and...

You know what? Fuck this shit. We should like...crap, my brain is short on outlandish yet awesome ideas because I've been studying biochem for hours...

ok, got it. We should create a kingdom with invisible walls that only let in people who actually give a shit about other people and who actually keep their word. And animals. And every computer/phone/tv/anything imaginable has awesome internet access and loads of fanfic archives. *nods* I think that might solve it.


alixrianne: kurt hummel likes boys (Default)

November 2012

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